


I'll be there

by Crazy_panda_25



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Depression, Fluff, Love, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Phanfiction, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 10:36:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12479632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazy_panda_25/pseuds/Crazy_panda_25
Summary: Dan and Phil rarely fought, usually ending any minor disputes with a competitive game of Mario Cart that always ended in them laughing and joking like nothing had happened prior. On the few and far between full on arguments they have, it can be explosive...





	I'll be there

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: there is mentions of depression

"You can't just walk away from this."

"Watch me!"

 

Dan and Phil rarely fought, usually ending any minor disputes with a competitive game of Mario Cart that always ended in them laughing and joking like nothing had happened prior. On the few and far between full on arguments they have, it can be explosive.

These arguments usually stem from their two different personalities colliding, Phil's all together positivity and sunshine like personality and Dan's sometimes dark, shaded negativity and moon light lit personality, can back fire from each other. Sometimes, Dan wakes up with a shadow hanging over him, blocking out all the positive energy that he could usually latch onto. It made dealing with Phil's carefree smile and bright eyes hard. This, in turn, causes Dan to be on a short fuse, picking an argument with his flat mate when there is no need for one. Sometimes even someone as understanding and open minded as Phil Lester can take the bait.

That's what has happened right now. They are stood in their living room arguing about something neither of them care to remember. They both know there is only two way this will end, Phil backing down, apologising for something that most likely isn't his fault at all or Dan walking out with no plan of where he's heading.

 

"You can't just walk away from this," Phil says, following Dan through their flat, "not again."

"Watch me," Dan hisses, not bothering to grab his coat, before heading into the cold city of London alone.

 

  
"Daniel Bloody Howell," Phil curses, head in his hands.

 

He hates this, he hates not understanding his best friend, his boyfriend. He hates that Dan hides everything from him. Not telling him if he's having one of his bad days, not letting him even try to help even when he does. Phil knows that Dan struggles sometimes, he's always known, always trying to understand how Dan is feeling. That's what makes him feel useless. Because he doesn't understand, he can't understand because Dan won't let him understand. He feels guilty if he doesn't try to help and gets shouted at by Dan if he tries at all. Phil doesn't know where he stands sometimes.

Phil knows Dan suffers with depression, he witnesses his partner's change of emotions first hand but that doesn't mean he gets it. Dan has told him, multiple times, he doesn't want Phil to understand it and Phil knows Dan doesn't understand it himself, sometimes. Depression isn't something you can get. You can't research it or find a cure to it, it's a mental disorder that has no set ways. It's different for everyone. Phil understands this.

 

He understands that he can't fix Dan, only Dan himself can even start to do that, but that doesn't stop him from being there. Trying to softly encourage him when he's at his lowest, even just being there for moral support or to ground him can help. It's not much but it's all he can do. He just wishes Dan would help him understand a little more. Until that happens, that's all he is able to do. On the outside looking in.

                                      ------------------------------------------------

 

"You can't just walk away from this," Phil's voice feels distant, even as he follows Dan through their flat, "not again."

"Watch me," Dan hisses, it's like his body is on autopilot trying to remove him from this situation.

Dan walks out the door. The freezing air, that the city of London holds, hits him hard. Maybe if he wasn't as stubborn as he is, he would have walked straight back inside. But this is Daniel James Howell we're talking about, the man notorious for making stupid decisions. That's why he finds himself sat on a bench in the dark on his own, the cold air rinsing him of any last heat that he has in his body.

He hates this, he hates not understanding his emotions and, because of that, taking them out on Phil. He wants to make Phil understand, but he can't because his mind is a heavy weight that he struggles to manage. Phil doesn't deserve to be burdened with that. He struggles, sometimes. Despite his regular therapy sessions and his antidepressants, his demons can always seem to find a way to get to him, knocking down the progress he feels he has made. Depression can do that sometimes. In turn, everything feels off balance. He loses grip of the light, falling into the darkness that swallows him.

Dan remembers his struggle with accepting that he has depression. Struggling to stop it defining him. It was hard but he managed it and, with Phil's help, he can overcome it most of the time. Fighting against it to allow him to smile without having to force it, to allow him to laugh without it sounding strained, to allow him to talk about it without feeling guilty. Dan knows he can do it, he will do it. He just has to let people in, let people he loves understand. Let Phil, if nobody else, understand.

He knows love and depression don't and can't cancel each other out. They are two strong forces that live together inside of him. His love for Phil will not stop his depression from tainting his emotions. In turn, his depression will not destroy his love for Phil. Despite what he knows Phil thinks, the bright eyed man helps, more then he can ever know. His mere presence has the power to ground him, to shake him back to reality when his soul ventures too far into his tangled mind. The whispered reassurance and the, seemingly, everlasting web of positivity can wind itself deep into Dan's soul, untangling it from his mind even for a few hours. Phil helps a lot.

The problem is, Dan sometimes forgets Phil is not unbreakable. Even with an unusually long fuse, it can sometimes burn out. Resulting in fights like this. Dan hates knowing he can do this, fearing, one day, he'll do it too many times and cut the fuse forever. After the fights, he looks back and doesn't understand. His annoyance with Phil starts and ends with him not understanding Dan's mood. The problem is he never lets Phil understand. It's only when he's calmed down and has had time to think, that he knows this. Dan knows unreasonable Dan and normal Dan wouldn't get along.

Taking a deep breath of cold air, Dan pushes himself up from the bench he's been sat on for a long while and starts the long trek back to his and Phil's shared flat. It's very late now and the street lights that line the city and car headlights are the only thing illuminating the inky dark of night. Dan makes a self note to not leave his coat behind next time he goes out into the winter atmosphere.

He unlocks the door to the apartment and steps in, savouring the new heat that welcomes him. A small smile dances on his lips, when he notices the hall light is still on. Phil knows he hates the apartment when it is dark. Kicking off his shoes at the door, Dan turns the hall light off and heads upstairs as fast as possible, as though his imagination is chasing him.

 

"Dan?" Phil's voice questions, appearing at the door, his glasses resting on the bridge of his nose, "thank god you're safe."

"Yeah, sorry," Dan answers, his voice is quiet, uneven to his own ears, he accepts the hug Phil offers him.

"You're freezing. Why didn't you take a coat, you spoon?" Phil says quietly, hugging him even closer.

 

Dan cherishes this, closing his tired eyes and resting his head on Phil's shoulder. He hates fighting with Phil. Phil's hand draws random patterns on his back, weaving warmth into his mind and soul.

 

"I'm sorry," Dan mutters, quietly, "I'm sorry for...for everything."

"You don't need to be sorry," Phil answers, resting his head against Dan's, "just...just talk to me, yeah?"

"I can't. It's too complicated."

"I know," Phil nods, slowly, "I know, but...I'm here okay, whatever you want to say, whenever you want to say it. I'll be here."

Dan nods silently, giving Phil a small smile when they pull away from each other. Just as Phil turns to head back into the bedroom, Dan catches his arm.

"I..I can't explain it now, but I will...in time," Dan says, his and Phil's eyes meet, blue and brown.

"When you feel comfortable, no pressure," Phil replies, smiling at him, Dan falls in love all over again.

"I don't know when that might be."

"Weeks, months, years even. Then when you're ready, I'll be there," Phil states, confidently, there is no annoyance at the lack of information, no dismissal, just a promise.

 

A promise.

 

"You really are amazing Phil," Dan comments, smiling at Phil.

"And you are freezing so Dan is definitely not in fire," Phil says, making them both burst out laughing.

"You will never let me let go of my old branding, will you?" Dan complains, shaking his head with a smile.

"Never."

 

This is how it's meant to be. Nobody is denying this might not happen again, it most likely will but they have each other. Phil is there to put a smile on Dan's face when he needs it most and, more then anything, Dan has Phil's promise. When he is ready he'll try explain to Phil, even if it's only a small part of his knotted up mind, he'll try. For now, though, they will sleep chasing off the demons for at least a few hours.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this story. Comments and kudos are always welcome.


End file.
